The Phil Hornshaw Accumulating-Stuff-Does-Not-Make-You-A-Real-Adult Selloff

So it begins.

Standing in the garage the other day, I saw large masses of garbage, in big boxes, which have stood like a squat useless shanty town taking up space for nearly seven months.

So I grabbed one of those boxes, tossed it in my car, and lugged it around with me for a week. On it was thick black Sharpie formed into hasty, wobbly words in my packing script: “FRAGILE. Toys, DVDs, video games.”

Reading it, I felt like a child.

For the next week, I drove to my usual haunts. I spent Sunday and Monday at Mom’s; Tuesday with Caitlin at her parents’ place; Wednesday at Dad’s; Thursday and Friday at Caitlin’s; Saturday and Sunday at Dad’s. During this time, I dug through the box whenever I had fifteen minutes to spare. I dug out various crap, items that had at one point held significance for me, but which now had lost luster. Holding various toys, I wondered just why I had needed so much plastic.

I’m not the greatest salesman, which you’ll come to realize momentarily, because for me, this stuff is useless. Worse, it’s money I spent that I could be using on something important — like gas. Or new tires. Or the apartment in California to which new tires and gas will spirit me.

The first of September marks the first major push to accomplish two goals: the unloading of dead weight and the gathering of greenbacks with which to propel myself and Caitlin M. Foyt into the next step of our life.

Here’s why I’m a bad salesman.

Like toys and other such stuff? Buy mine! It’s good.

The First of the Random Bits of Technology

Samsung Instinct

I bitch about this phone some, but a lot of people really like it. In fact, the phone is pretty smart. It’s got a decent camera. It picks up e-mail. It has a functional GPS and map generator. It has picture mail. It’s cool in a lot of ways. The physical condition is a little scuffed up, and you have to jiggle the wire to make sure the thing makes good contact to charge, but otherwise it works just as well as when I got it. Plus I’m including both my car charger and my wall charger, both of which were made by Rocketfish.

By the way, I’m ditching it in favor of an iPhone. It’s for some freelance work I’ve started. More to follow when I’m at liberty to discuss it.

The “Star Wars” Mighty Muggs

Return of the Jedi” Darth Vader

It’s Vader. His head’s reversible, taking him from the classic helmet to the half-dead face of redemption. He also includes the lightsaber and his right hand comes off to recreate your favorite amputation-filled scenes.

Han Solo in his Hoth gear from “The Empire Strikes Back”

This is the Han Solo who goes out into the frozen wastes to save one Luke Skywalker from certain doom. He’s pretty badass and includes his custom blaster pistol. You should buy this, or your tauntaun could freeze before the first marker.

C-3PO

He’s one of the rarer Mighty Muggs, usually tougher to find, and selling for a lot more on eBay than what I’m selling him for. He’s in really good shape. But no, he doesn’t like you either.

Plo Koon

This guy’s a major character in “The Clone Wars” CGI cartoon show. In the feature films of the non-animated variety, he’s one of the many Jedi who get killed relatively easily in Episode III. Comes with the blue lightsaber. Generally looks kinda gross.

Chewbacca

Winner of the Halloween costume contest, the bear-growl-voiced first mate of the Millennium Falcon looks like he’s ready for business, especially with his crossbow-style bowcaster blaster, which is included.

Grand Moff Tarkin

Evacuate? In our moment of triumph? I think you underestimate how cool Grand Moff Tarkin, played by the illustrious Peter Cushing (not here, though, this is a plastic toy), would look on your mantel, book shelf or desk. He’s the dude in charge of the Death Star, who rides it right up until it turns into a huge fireball, and when re-examined later, a huge fireball that spews a ridiculous shockwave on only one axis instead of in every direction, as one would expect when something round explodes. But I digress into science…

Snowtrooper

As seen momentarily in “The Empire Strikes Back,” this is a stormtrooper, equipped to deal with snow. You know he’s built to fight in the snow by his skirt. He’s very slightly scuffed on top of his helmet. But he’s also cheaper.

Shocktrooper

I think this guy is from “The Clone Wars,” or maybe from some video game (“The Force Unleashed,” I think), but he’s some kinda stormtrooper-looking guy and he’s pretty cool. he’s a little scuffed (white paint with other paint on top just doesn’t do well), but he’s way cheap also.

Bid on ’em, guys. Help me to light the fuse to the rocket boosters that’ll carry me to the proverbial moon that is adulthood! Please!

One thought on “The Phil Hornshaw Accumulating-Stuff-Does-Not-Make-You-A-Real-Adult Selloff

  • September 2, 2009 at 4:49 am
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    It's okay. Some of the "toys" in our apartment cost hundreds of dollars. For real.

    But I applaud the effort. It's refreshing to purge material possessions (and even more refreshing to realize much later you've never missed them). Though I will say, it kinda sucked that it too so long to fill this crappy apartment.

    Push on, good sir! Make dat cash.

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