Best friends make stupid videos with you

I know I owe a real post, but in the meantime, I need to make this available to everyone immediately. It’s a set of videos good buddy Jason Wong just made available on his YouTube channel.

All three videos were content created by my high school friends (read: my oldest and most hilarious friends) and me sometime in 2006. We posted them on the humor website I ran with their amazing help, shadypenguin.com. The site is now defunct, but the videos survive.

When Clinton Wong instant messaged me with the link to the videos, it was like being belted in the head with the wooden samurai sword of nostalgia. The weirdo crap we used to get up to, man.

Two of the videos were trailers we made for “Worms,” a parody horror movie the concept for which we invented in high school, sitting around in art club, trying to stave off going home as well as entertain ourselves. Nick Hurwitch, who more than anyone else is integral to these three films (his dad provided the camera, which he’s behind for the two trailers), would eventually go on to write the script for a film class. Eventually we’ll shoot it in a back yard, or better yet, that little Novi park where you can see the playground through the trees.

Trained ChimpThe third video is a mock-commercial we created for a section of shadypengiun.com that served as the fake website for the fake special interest group, the National Whiners and Complainers Association of America. The NWCAA later would back its own candidate for the 2006 presidential election – Trained Chimp, a chimpanzee in a suit whose campaign platform outshone both parties’, and who would have been a serious write-in contender if Nader hadn’t siphoned off all his votes.

I’m pretty excited about re-discovering these. Shadypenguin was an awesome time in my life and it’s nice to remember when we used to have summers to screw around and throw worms at each other.

Watch the last video here.

‘Assassin’s Creed 2’ confuses fun, frustration

Such a cool idea in concept. In the continued march of games that desperately wish to capture the purity of essence of “Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time” we have “Assassin’s Creed 2,” yet another largely ridiculous, largely unfun stab at the “climbing ruins” category of adventure game.

The sequel to last year’s arthritis-inducing “Assassin’s Creed” carries many of the same flaws as its predecessor. It contains good voice acting but a needlessly dense and insane story, more repetitive gameplay that lacks creativity, and a control scheme that feels like it belongs back in the late 1990s alongside such nearly unplayable horrors as “Resident Evil.” For all that was improved between the first and second games, so much is left to irritate a player that the fact this game isn’t universally panned is astounding.

In fact, “Assassin’s Creed 2” is a critical darling – despite being really, really boring. The premise and master idea is that the “Assassin’s Creed” franchise would be a darker “Prince of Persia” – rather than climbing through ancient ruins gathering treasure, players would take part in an assassin’s quest to remove evil leaders from cities during the Crusades (in the first game) and the Italian Renaissance (in the second). As the assassin, one could scale buildings, sneak through crowds, get in close and take out enemies with a mixture of stealth, acrobatics, weapons and planning.

The execution is far from being as elegant as the description.

First, the actual assassinations never, ever, go well, because “Assassin’s Creed 2” is littered with minor irritations that amount to blown cover. Walk just a little too fast, stray just a little too far, press the control stick just a little off to one side, and not only is the moment lost, but often the result is a start-over situation, or worse, a tedious battle with a handful of armored guards. And those guards have some ridiculous eagle eyes when it comes down to the actual assassinations – so rather than feel like a sneaky badass, able to attack a situation by studying the best way to approach and eventually murder your target, much more often the player finds herself tearing through the streets after an escaping enemy, eventually chasing him down, pouncing, and then turning to deal with the fallout.

The run claw, or "how to play Assassin's Creed 2."This is the exact opposite experience the game should be giving you. Rather than everything going south at the critical moment because of something dumb like bumping into a random person in a crowd, “Assassin’s Creed 2” should be striving to put you in a position to hone your skills and then use them to accomplish a goal. Learning to play the game well, and then applying that knowledge and skill, is what makes a game fun.

But at no time does “AC2” ever employ skill of any kind.

The problem comes down to a ludicrously poor conception of how to control your character. Walk with the control stick; run by holding down the right trigger and using the control stick; sprint by holding down the A button, the right trigger and the control stick. I’ve heard this configuration referred to as the “Run Claw,” and that’s a perfect description: You spend virtually the entire game in a sprint, squeezing the controller tightly, making your hand sore just to get around. And the game’s sprawling Renaissance cities are just huge, which means just running from place to place is what takes up the bulk of your time and really crafts this whole experience.

And getting around is just not that much fun.

Climbing buildings should be the “Assassin Creed’s 2” bread and butter. Getting up the buildings should be fun, traversing the city from the rooftops and descending on enemies should be fun, and doing so should be challenging but rewarding.

Skip all that in “AC2” because the Run Claw could also be called the Climb Claw – the control is the same to scale buildings. But you don’t actually do anything other than hold the buttons down, occasionally guiding your assassin to a certain hand or foothold so he can get to the top.

Once atop a structure, you can run around it and jump to other structures – by using the same controls. Not by pressing buttons, but by continuing to hold the run buttons down and steering. The character makes the jump you intend automatically, most of the time, requiring absolutely no actual “play” from the person behind the controller.

This is also a major source of frustration, because fairly often, you’ll miss what you’re steering at slightly, or you’ll misjudge the configuration of a building, and the assassin will just hurl himself off a rooftop to fall to his death or massive injury. This happens 900-times as often when “AC2” decides to “help” with the player-controlled camera during certain climbing puzzles in order to show you the path – but without locking the camera in place, and usually moving it while the player is in the middle of a motion, which results in failure after failure after failure.

“AC2” loves to emphasize quickly getting in and getting out of an assassination, and often leaves the player in a “quick, escape!” situation. It loves to require speed and precision in leaping and running, without providing the controls to accomplish either. Whenever the player needs to abscond in a hurry, he inevitably ends up falling, off-course, or being killed and forced to repeat the instance. Or, of course, fighting his way out of the situation.

Combat is just as unsatisfying as climbing and jumping. Swordplay, the form fighting usually takes, is accomplished chiefly by jamming on the X button over and over again. The enemy will sometimes swing in return, causing the player to need to hold down the right trigger to block. The player can then time a press of the X or B buttons while holding the trigger to either make a counter attack or disarm the enemy.

This photo is probably more fun than most of the game.Against lesser enemies, a counter attack will get a kill. Against tougher ones, a disarm will almost always work. Even in battles with a large group of enemies, the combat is never tense or difficult – only frustrating. There’s rarely a moment where you’ll actually lose a fight, even if you get pummeled. Eventually you’ll clear out the enemies simply by smashing the X button or using the appropriate counter.

“AC2” includes some decent innovations to its predecessor. There are more weapons available, an entire economy system that allows the purchase of clothing, accessories and armor, and collectables that offer interesting story elements. The assassin’s base of operations can be upgraded, which itself provides income for the player to use to get more weapons, which is also a nice touch.

Despite this, the economy portion of the game has little discernable impact on the actual game. Weapons are supposedly stronger, armor supposedly heartier, but the only real impact of buying new things are that additional armor gives you more health and additional accessories allow you to carry more expendable items. Even these money centric portions of the game, while adding an additional layer to an otherwise-repetitive experience, aren’t really necessary. Invest your money in the right places, and it quickly becomes so abundant as to be a moot point. You’ll rarely need to complete side missions to raise capital, and really, you can blow right past the racing, fighting and assassination side missions for most of the game without any repercussions whatsoever – and they add nothing to the experience except to break up the repetition.

And then there’s the story. A game can be pretty bad if the story is compelling, because despite that playing it feels like running a cheese grater over your arm, you are rewarded for your toils with something interesting and you feel like you earned a reward. Unfortunately, like “Assassin’s Creed” before it, “AC2” makes sure not only to give almost no useful information to advance its overall good-versus-evil everything-you-know-is-a-lie story, but it grows its psychotically huge evil conspiracy to the point of being idiotic, implying that just about every single historical figure ever was influenced by the game’s special artifacts, or was a member of the evil faction or the good faction. Marco Polo and Dante Alighieri were assassins, and Robert Oppenheimer and Adolph Hitler were Knights Templar. Right.

I can’t fathom why so many people give this game such a positive reception, when it really fails to do what has been established as fully possible by something like 10 or 15 previous adventure games, not the least of which are every single title of the “Prince of Persia” series. And those are made by the same company as  this – so how is it that “PoP” can be exciting and challenging, even at its worst, and yet “AC2” is often more mundane, frustrating and painful than filling out a tax return while being stabbed in the tongue?

The first “Assassin’s Creed,” while awful in almost all the same ways, was at least an unknown quantity and therefore kept the player interested, and the assassination gameplay was a little bit innovative and interesting at first. “AC2” brings nothing at all to the table, so much so that it feels like a punishment – being forced to play the same bad game twice.

A script in 30 days, unfinished

The Script Frenzy outline in much rarely used writing journal. April marked the Script Frenzy challenge, in which writers were encouraged to try to write a 100-page script of one kind or another within a month.

A 100-page script isn’t really that bad, at least when you’re writing a screen play, like I did. Formatting helps a lot – there’s a ton of white space, character dialogue eats up pages and pages, and you get to make line breaks for different actions and things all the time. All in all, it could be worse (see Game on, novel writing, an entry about Script Frenzy’s sister event, National Novel Writing Month [which I subsequently failed]).

My 100 pages is finished. The untitled script is about Marney Friday, an intrepid high school journalist, who sets about chronicling the last days of her father’s life after he suffers a heart attack. Marney travels around her town, interviewing the people who interacted with Hal Friday before his death, and learns things about the man – and herself – she didn’t expect.

Problem is, 100 pages puts my script right around the end of the second act. In a three-act structure, this is, as we writers say, bad.

There are probably an additional 30 or 40 pages I need to write before I can set about revising this first horrible draft. I say “horrible” because, as far as my writing goes, this is one of the worse things I’ve ever put down. It’s not exactly a bad idea, and the writing’s not god-awful. But a good way to describe the project in general is, perhaps, “malformed.” Undercooked. Still incubating.

Ms. Friday needs some more time in the test tube before I unleash her upon the world. As such, I’ve given almost no part of the script to almost anyone, when usually I’m sending at least bits and pieces off to several of my writer friends for feedback. (However, you can read the unedited first 10 pages here.)

I don’t want feedback this time, because I know what it’ll be.

Meantime, one of the larger effects of Script Frenzy seems to have been that focusing for that long on one thing has got my brain swimming around in ideas for other things. I’ve hopefully got more than one zombie story for Wrath of the Damned forthcoming, as well as some other scripts I want to work on.

The only problem with that is firing up the old hyperdrive motivator in my head to get me working on some of them.

Or finishing that script.

Or revising it.

At least I’m not writing this in front of the TV. That’s one step in the direction of creativity.